My best friend had been staying with me while recuperating. He recently had a very scary hospital emergency involving the rupture of an artery in his nasal sinus. Very early one morning, he had another bout. After getting him into the ambulance, I came back into the house to wake up my daughter and get her off to school. She was unaware of what was going on and I didn’t want to tell her. She cares very deeply about him as he has been like a second father to her. I didn’t want to worry her.
My daughter had gotten home late from her mother’s the night before and is one of those kids who needs more than 8 hours of shut eye to start off the day. If she doesn’t get the rest she needs, watch out. Couple this with the fact that although she was doing fantastic academically, she was having huge issues with fitting in socially with her peers. There were times when I have to be very gentle with her in our morning routine, just to get her into school.
So, I was extremely torn this morning. On the one hand, I wanted to get to the hospital to be there for my “Brutha From A Nutha Mutha”. On the other hand, I wanted to get my daughter started off in a positive way. Once I woke her up, I knew that it would be an increasingly challenging morning. She was whiny and angry, not a good combination for the start of the day. And, I think she was in tune with the fact that I was nervous and anxious.
I left the room to call the hospital for an update and came back to find that my daughter had torn through my closet and thrown all my clothes into the living room. She had gotten upset that I was temporarily using her play room as my sleeping area while my friend was staying with us. She hadn’t expressed this feeling before and had chosen this particular moment to let it all hang out. Oh joy.
Count, 1, 2, 3… Breathe, Craig, breathe…
My gut reaction was to go ballistic. But, I knew from experience that would ratchet things up to an impossible level to handle. Experience has taught me what I never dreamed possible… I can remain calm in the face of a storm.
I calmly started putting my clothes away and noticed a little shy face peering at me from behind the door. The look on this little face was sad, sorrowful and a bit scared. I interrupted my cleanup to sit down on the floor and talk with my little gremlin about good ways to express anger and not so good ways to express anger. And, that this was not a good way to express anger… Long story short, I was able to get through the moment and get my little helper to finish the cleanup.
We got to school without further incident and I was able to get to my friend. He is fine now and I don’t need to go further in detailing that tribulation.
The bottom line is that we, as caregivers for our sensational children, have a tough road to hoe. And, we deal with things that most people can’t comprehend. Am I perfect? No freaking way! I make huge mistakes and it has taken me years to get to where I’m reasonably capable of handling things — most of the time. We all need to take a moment and pat ourselves on the back for what we accomplish.
And now, for the rest of the story and some tips.
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If you are like me, you have had a tremendously difficult time with this experience. When my daughter gets overwhelmed, she goes right into “fight or flight” mode. With her it is usually “flight mode” and it is extremely dangerous. It’s much better now and rarely occurs, so this is one of our “Many Blessings”.
There have been times where I have had to:
• Call security at a hospital after she ran away (she got upset during a counseling session – dear God), • Run after her, screaming at the top of my lungs for her to stop, as she ran towards a very busy street, • Pull the car over when she tried to exit while we were on the freeway.
This issue has also occurred at school and the police had to be called to track to her down — double oy vey!
My daughter doesn’t intend to do this on purpose; she has a neurological issue that makes it difficult for her to handle stress and situations where she gets overloaded. Recognizing this fact has been the first key to helping her.
Here are some suggested tips that I’ve found through other websites and books and through simple trial and error:
• Number one: if it’s an emergency — do whatever it takes to make sure your child is safe. Do not worry about what other people think — just do it! (No, I am not advocating excessive force).
• Number two: seek professional help – your child may not have any control over this.
• Number three: know your child and what his/her triggers are. Share this information with administrators, teachers, coaches and whoever may be responsible for your child.
• Number four: set firm rules and appropriate limits/boundaries on the absolute critical issues. “Run to a safe place – do not run away!”
• Number five: role play and practice the, “What should I do if…?” scenarios with your child. Practice relaxation techniques. Practice, practice, practice…
• Number six: get below the level of your child (sit down on the floor) so that you are no longer a threat to him/her. When my child is on sensory overload, she is frightened, getting down below her level has usually worked in calming her down and reducing the “threat” that I pose to her.
• Number seven: rewards, rewards, rewards and PRAISE when your child has a success in this area.
• Number eight: take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember that there is no “how to” manual on this — we learn as we go.
• Number nine through???: for you to add or edit. I am no expert and you know what works best with your child. Please share with us…
Look at How Far She Has Come…
I think one of the more difficult challenges that we have faced in our journey with Sensory Processing Disorder has been a battle with intense anxiety. I’m talking anxiety levels that take over and control life, preventing enjoyment of normal activities. An anxiety that prevents sleeping on one’s own and sleeping fully though the night. I’m talking a separation anxiety that prevents becoming independent and prohibits the ability to get out on your own and enjoy life – an anxiety involving school phobia that prevents learning and the development of bonds with peers. And, I have wondered if we would ever get to where life was a little less intense, a little less anxious, and a little more normal.
My daughter recently turned 12. She now sleeps on her own with a simple tuck in and an occasional story. She recently took a trip with her aunt and cousin and came home on a plane, all by herself. She recently had her first babysitting job where she took care of a 5 year old boy who has Autism for 5 hours and did a fabulous job! I think many of you can understand why I feel that those three simple sentences are probably the most important sentences I will ever write. We still have issues with dyspraxia and social skills to some extent due to her not fitting in with peers more than anything else. But, I’m here to tell you that we all just need to “stay the course” and hang in there, things will get better – our hard work does pay off. And, when it does, you will be on “cloud nine”, just like I am…
Many Blessings!
CRAIG WALKER, first and foremost, is the father of a Sensational Kid. He is a part-time wannabe poet, occasional blogger (http://kidsensational.ning.com/) and tireless advocate for special needs kids. His greatest hope is for Sensory Processing Disorder to gain diagnostic recognition in the DSM-5, so that parents of SPD kiddos will have an easier time in getting help for their children. He also is the Information Technology Manager for the Yolo County District Attorney’s Office in Woodland, CA and enjoys reading in his spare time. His favorite cartoon character is “Underdog”.